September 6, 2008
Away we go
Right now, I'm in Lickdale, PA (hee, lickdale) drinking shitty coffee in the Best Western. Four states yesterday, and only three today, but add to that a hurricane-like tropical storm (wtf? Why not just call it a hurricane? Silly weather people), and maybe we won't get there until Sunday. It depends on how Edna feels about being buffeted by 60-mph winds in the Blue Ridge Mountains.
I can't really write about how I feel at the moment, because it changes every two seconds. One second I'm giddy with excitement, the next I want to lock myself in a bathroom and sob for an hour. And everything in between. Things will settle down soon.
Onward.
August 26, 2008
August 15, 2008
Bubble girl
I've spent this week mostly by myself. So much lately, I've felt desperate for company, lonely and wistful. And mostly not just any company, but a particular kind, which I had for a while and can't have now. I spent a lot of time feeling angry about that, and muddled.
This week has been different. I'm trying to be alone and feel OK about it. Or not even trying, really, just being. And it feels a little boring, but not gut-wrenchingly awful.
I've retreated for a bit, pulling inside myself, creating a soap bubble around myself. It's temporary and will pop soon, but it's something I had to do for myself. Take a break from the complexities and uncontrollable things I've been struggling with so much. I was tired, and I needed a nap.
August 10, 2008
Little boxes
Half of my things are packed up in boxes, sitting in the dining room. My staging area for the next stage.
Nine boxes are sealed and ready for shipping, marked with my name, From and To, to a place I've never lived, but will soon. A place I haven't lived for a long time, but is a stable backup, should things go wrong.
It feels strange. Compartmentalizing my possessions, discarding, with such precision, and focus, and finality. I feel better and calmer to have things done and moving along. But it's strange and unsettling, and I'm not sure how I'll feel tomorrow.
August 8, 2008
August 7, 2008
Control freak
Sometimes I wish I could bitch-slap people and tell them, "Do this! Not that! Are you fucking stupid?!" And then they would do what I said, and everything would be OK.
(And sometimes I wish that would work with me, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't, even if people tried, which they don't for the most part, because they are smarter than me and know better.)
I think that's why I'm attracted to people who kind of need that. Even though they can't hear me, and usually I can't even tell them, because I know it's sort of pointless, or at least know it would cause a rift or a fight, which I can't bear. (I'm not as dumb as I think, really.) Instead, I try to insinuate myself, and my caring, and my sometimes high-handed advice, and hope it works.
I just want to help. It doesn't, though, and it breaks my heart every time.
I'm rambling, though, and can't see this very clearly. Blah blah blah.
Edna rises again!
Two days at the mechanic and about $1,200 later (I paid $1,800 for it four years ago, sigh), Edna is now purring like a kitten, and her A/C is like an arctic blast. (After replacing the radiator, manifold, heat pump, part of the exhaust, and whatever else, they threw in the A/C charge for "free.") I'm just going to assume that the stinky smoke coming from under the hood is simply some new-part grease burning off...
So, Edna will be making the trip with me. Plans are taking shape, and I have helpers coming this weekend to work on the crap-winnowing and packing. I'm feeling a little less freaked out, and a little more excited, which is a relief.
August 6, 2008
Moving forward
A conversation yesterday:
"I've been meaning to call you for the past two weeks, but I've been busy having my own private freakouts.""Well, that's understandable. It's a big move. How long have you been there? Twelve years?"
"Thirteen next month."
"Sounds like an auspicious time to leave, then."
It was nice to hear that I'm normal for feeling this way, and not crazy. To have some support, and help, and reassurance. I still have a steady supply of freakouts ahead of me, I think, but it's nice to have at least one person not judge me for them.
It's time to move forward. Now who wants some furniture?
August 5, 2008
Aha
Now I remember why I drag my feet so when I need to take my car to the mechanic:
- The owner makes some sexist crack about "independent women" (because I brought my bike and therefore didn't need a ride)
- He doesn't listen to me for longer than 30 seconds when I try to explain what's wrong and what I need ("Sure, sure, dear. Just leave the key.")
- That hill coming up School St. is a bitch and a half
- When I return, I will have to hand over heaping wads of cash
They are a good shop, though, and honest, and that's all you can really hope for. Still, I think my dread is kind of justified.
And please say a prayer/chant to the car gods for me and ask them for to please fix my A/C. Because if it can't be fixed fairly easily, I'm a little screwed.
Honest insomnia
I always find it incredible (and incredibly annoying) when I can fall asleep on the couch with no trouble, but then when I go to bed, I lay there for over two hours very much awake.
While I was awake and undistracted, I did some good thinking. Really, I had a conversation in my head that I haven't been able to have out loud, and I realized why, and both things shed light on why I've been behaving a particular way. I didn't want to be That Girl who always needs to have a Talk, and instead I became That Other Girl who blubbers and accuses in a very incomprehensible and messy way and becomes an incredible pain in the ass. Also, facing some truths and particular feelings makes me face my part in it, my anger at myself, and disappointment. I wasn't taking care of myself for a long time, and that's my #1 job, and I failed pretty miserably. But I also realized that both of us were just trying to muddle through the best we could. Still angry, but not so messily accusatory.
Anyway, the conversation went very well in my head (though was pretty one-sided), but I think it'll have to stay there for a while, or maybe forever. I'm not sure yet which is best.
I think it's time to stop thinking now.