I've been having a lot of dreams lately that involve trying to wake up. I know I'm sleeping, but I want to wake up, I need to wake up, and it's a monumental struggle. I can't move, but I try my damnedest. I free an arm, open one eye, try to pull up my head, try to speak, try to control my breathing. Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating. Usually it's scary; sometimes I'm just annoyed. And sometimes I succeed in "waking up," like the last time this happened. After which I promptly rolled off my bed (in my dream, not in reality), and then lay there, sprawled on the floor, tailbone aching, wondering, "What the fuck did I do that for?"
It makes me wonder if this is symbolic in some way, or whether it's physiological. It's happened so often recently, though, that sometimes when I'm very obviously awake, I seriously wonder if I'm really dreaming. Which makes me feel a little psychotic.
Lately I wonder whether I'm an introvert or an extrovert. I've read lots about both, and grasp the basic principles, but I still can't figure it out. Sometimes I like to be alone, but often I'm angry about it, or feel guilty, or feel like my alone-ness relates more to crankiness and irritation than true desire. I like being with people, but sometimes find it difficult. I feel shy and nervous. I feel tired. I feel drained by others' needs and demands. I feel self-conscious and out of place, and unsure whether I really want time alone or just want to escape the intricacies and confusion of interaction.
I suppose it might be one of those things that's neither this or that, but sometimes one or the other. Which is muddled, and sometimes annoying, but often the most interesting things (and people) aren't so easily determined.
I usually try to avoid raisins, because I hate them and their wrinkled fruity brethen. However, I am making something special for someone, and it calls for raisins, so I went looking for them just now at the grocery store, possibly for the first time in my life. Consequently, I had no clue where they would be. Cereal aisle? Baking? I wandered up and down almost every aisle, cursing quietly. These evil, shriveled things are usually ubiquitous, but I couldn't find them for the life of me.
I finally caved and went to customer service and asked, and apparently they are in front of the deli case. Um, yeah. That makes no sense. But now I have a whole box of them, and they were a pain in the ass to get, and they did that on purpose just to spite me, and I hate them even more. And apparently have anthropomorphized them to a ridiculous degree, so I will say no more about their evil nature.
The things I do for lovers of desiccated grapes.
I'm going to NY Decom this weekend, and I am really wondering what I'm going to wear. I have no tutus, no hotpants (though I can probably borrow a pair of SnooSnoo's, which is what I did for the Underwear Party a few weeks ago), nothing really that falls into the BurnerFab category. Hmm. I mean, I'm sure I'll figure it out, and it will be fine, but it makes me a feel a little anxious and uncool. I'm already a complete poseur anyway. Maybe I'll wear SnooSnoo's cape and paint a big "P" on my chest.
I'm also wondering if there is any better trend than kids' winter hats with ears on them. They are the cutest ever. And fruit and veggie hats come in a close second.