Sometimes I have a hard time just letting things happen. I don't have the patience to take a step back and let things unfold, let the chips fall where they may. I need to scurry around nervously while the chips are in the air, and catch them and place them in the right spots. Sometimes I feel like if I don't do this, then everything will fall apart and descend into chaos. If I'm not watching and doing and fixing and directing, then who knows what will happen. Letting things go is far too uncertain and leaves way too much to chance, and I don't trust chance. Chance is cruel and sneaky, and I want to be prepared and proactive. Ultimately, I guess I don't trust the universe to let things work out in my favor.
This is exhausting work, and usually futile. Or not futile, but...often it's counterproductive. I spend so much time and energy trying to make things just so, I can't ever step back and enjoy things the way they are--I'm always thinking about the way they could be. Thinking ahead and planning, worrying, guiding.
There are so many things I don't have control over, and shouldn't have control over. It's so hard for me, but I really really need to let go. Sit on my hands, bite my tongue, and just see what happens.
I have lost all sense of home, having moved about so much. It means to me now--only that place where the books are kept.
-John Steinbeck, novelist, Nobel laureate (1902-1968)
I was talking to someone, who now I'm pretty sure likes me, about how I hadn't been so sure about the liking, and the response was "What's not to like?"
I decided to take that as a rhetorical question.
The word of the day is agita.
I think I need to go buy me a big bottle of Tums.
I feel crummy. I feel phlegmy. I feel lonely. I feel puffy. I feel wheezy. I feel woozy. I feel underprepared. I feel overwhelmed.
I feel like this is not my year. I hope the next one will be better.