The One... The Only... The Vieve

Housekeeping

I've had to face some hard truths about myself lately. The fact that I am more broken than I thought. That no one can fix me but me. That the problems I thought were just someone else's are also mine, and maybe mine to an even greater degree. I have a lot of work to do, and no one else can do it for me.

But last night I was alone, and I didn't panic (for long) or feel too empty. I ate an OK dinner at a decent hour (salad! And also mashed potatoes and a brownie, but hey). I didn't drink too much (one small cocktail). I did some work work and watched a little TV and worked on some knitting. I washed my face and brushed my teeth and actually wore my nightguard to keep me from cracking any molars while I clench my jaw in my sleep. (It's kind of amazing how much teeth can shift over the months. Hurt like a bitch, but I know I should use it.) Fell asleep at a decent hour, and when I woke up briefly at 1 AM (and 3, and 4, and 6...), the TV wasn't on and I didn't have cookie or soy crisp crumbs all over me.

This morning I took a shower instead of throwing on dirty clothes from yesterday. Opened my mail, which was all from only the past couple of days instead of the past couple of weeks. I updated some things to reflect recent changes in my life, which was hard but not quite as hard as I thought it might be. (Though I think it was much harder for me than you, which made me sad. Manageably so, though. I think.)

These seem like silly things to notice and appreciate, but I've never been very good at these simple things. But I would like to be, and this will take work. And it makes me sad that I haven't yet mastered so many basic things related to taking care of myself.

I need routine and stability right now, I guess. Dependable people. (And I've had some insights into this recently as well, which have hurt.) This seems boring when I think about it. But at least it's not crazy-making, and I think I've had enough crazy to last a lifetime.

Posted by thevieve at June 4, 2008 9:38 AM