I had a dream last night about an old friend. She was someone I went to high school with and then to college with for the first year, and for the first couple of months of that year, we were the best of friends. We hung out, we gossiped, we shared a video rental card. Then she got a girlfriend (who was also her roommate, which... bad move; but I digress) and a whole host of new friends, and I was dropped like the proverbial hot potato. I think I only saw her in passing after that, after maybe a month of trying to salvage at least an acquaintanceship, which only made me feel worse, because it was like driving the thorn of friend-rejection even deeper and faster into my tender 18-year-old heart.
God, that hurt, and it still does when I think about it. And I still don't understand what happened.
But in my dream last night there was no rancor, and barely any of the usual dream-weirdness. Just chatting and catching up and pleasantries. And when I woke up, I thought about all the other people I miss, people who have left my life for various reasons, particularly those who have left in confusing ways. I imagine the leaving might be my fault, but I don't know. And maybe I don't want to know -- maybe they think I am annoying or mean or boring or a huge pain in the ass or not worth the effort of knowing -- but maybe a hard dose of the truth would be better than wondering. It wouldn't linger as shapelessly in my subconscious, and would sting for a while like a hard slap and then fade and dissipate. And maybe it wouldn't take almost 15 years for me to dream of a bland and pleasant reconciliation.
I think this sounds a little angry, like an accusation, but I know I've been on the other end of this too, and really it just makes me sad, and it made me cry for a bit this morning before the clock radio clicked on and drowned out my small sorrows with the sounds of bigger ones.
Posted by thevieve at October 29, 2007 8:23 AM