The One... The Only... The Vieve

Squashed

When I was 8, maybe 10 years old, after I had experienced some kind of deep disappointment (I suspect it was when my school was going to be on Double Dare but then couldn't at the last minute, which was totally devastating after daydreaming for weeks about getting slimed and winning fabulous prizes), I remember thinking, "I am never going to get excited about anything ever again. It just makes it worse when it doesn't happen."

I was precocious that way, realizing early on that the Universe is perverse and often cruel, and sometimes seems hell-bent on quashing any feelings of euphoria. I think around this time I also developed my deep streak of magical thinking, and turned the original thought, "It just makes it worse when it doesn't happen," into "It makes it not happen." It seems a little ridiculous when I articulate it, but I do think that way sometimes, and see myself as a little feelings-trickster: by pretending not to care about something important, I can somehow make things go my way. If the Universe doesn't catch a whiff of my deep desires, it won't try to block them.

I was thinking about this last night, and it made me so fucking sad. Approaching life this way is no way to really live, buried in pessimism and suppressed hope. It's numbing and blunted. It's paranoid. It's cheating myself, not the Universe.

Acknowledging it, though, made me feel happier, lighter. I felt free, and there was some clarity, and I bounced around a little bit as I listened to The Ramones on my way home. Gabba gabba hey!

It won't be easy, but I'm going to try to replace this chunk of perverse thinking with something better. Hope for joy and feel it and and feel grateful for it and not worry so much about when it's going to end.

Posted by thevieve at October 11, 2007 11:02 AM