For the first time in a long time, I don't have any work. I feel relieved in a way, and I should feel happy that I can focus on other things for a bit, but really it's making me feel nervous. Cause now I'm down one more distraction, one more anchor, one more demarcating fence post, one more hurdle, one more excuse for not doing more with my life.
"Damn, I can't go to yoga / go to Six Flags / buy new pants so I have at least one pair without holes / clean my room / ride my bike / make some jewelry / write a story / cook a feast / plan a vacation / and so on, ad nauseum -- I'm too busy / sick / exhausted / stressed!"
I know this seems ridiculous and perverse, but there's a certain comfort in being limited in this way. Running out of justifications for... I know it's not failure, exactly, but it feels that way to me sometimes... yes, I suppose it is failure. Failure to be my best self. And if I have a tangible reason for this failure, that makes it OK. When I don't, I feel like a lazy piece of shit.
So, right now I feel like a lazy piece of shit who has let her life get dozy and slovenly, and I don't have the energy to whip it into shape right now, and I feel bad. And I can't relax, even though I think that's what I need most right now, because I am thinking about all of the things I should be doing.
It is totally crazy-making, and I know I'm incredibly hard on myself, and I know this isn't helpful, and I know I can't do everything, and I know I need to find balance. But it's hard. But I'll keep trying. But maybe I'll make it to yoga tonight. That would be something.
Posted by thevieve at July 25, 2007 9:04 AMI hear you. It is so overwhelming when you start thinking about *everything* that is a stressor in your life, and that you need to/want to get done. I'm one of those people that has a major "all or nothing" complex. Black and white, there is no gray area. I either have to tackle everything at once or nothing at all. Which inevitably is just a set-up for complete disaster and leaves me feeling like shit. I'm learning (and it's a struggle, trust me) to try and focus on one thing at a time. To try and compartmentalize the things going on in my life and take on what I can, when I can. Over extending myself leads to racing thoughts and bad mental states and bad places, and I know I want to stay away from all of that. So I try and avoid the excuses, stay away from fake justifications that I make up for myself, and when I feel like I can't do something that I know will make me feel better (i.e. yoga for you) I pull an opposite to emotion action. I make myself do it even though I feel crappy and don't want to go and do the thing that I know deep down will make me feel better in the end. And in the end, I feel better. I feel like I've accomplished something, and it gives me the motivation to do the next thing on my list. Bah, I'm ranting here. Take it as a grain of salt (if it makes any sense...)
Posted by: Emily on July 25, 2007 10:38 AM