What do you do when you keep doing something you know is A Very Bad Idea, but you can't stop doing it, because not doing it seems worse? Because you can't quite give up that illusion that "if only..." something. If only things were slightly different, or if only you could numb yourself to the sting. If only needs and feelings would shift a bit to the left or right or center. If only you weren't such a tenderhearted ninny. If only you could choose more things: who you love, who loves you back, who came before, who comes after. And because you know that, despite these imperfections, there is a kernel of something so right and important it just can't be discarded. And because you're old enough to know that all things go and shift and mutate and change in the strangest ways.
And actually, maybe it's less of A Very Bad Idea and more just a tricky piece of navigation. Strange, unpredictable waters.
It's a puzzle. And it ties my tummy in knots sometimes.
Posted by thevieve at July 21, 2006 12:14 PM