Finally made it to the gym this morning, though I was tired. Up too late last night, thinking thinking, and obsessing obsessing about things that are not my business to know and have no bearing on me, really, except that I let them. Frustrating.
As I thought it would, the gym kind of kicked my ass. I felt weak and wheezy and creaky. I know it will get better, though, like so many other things, if I keep at it. Keep trying. (I made the mistake of stepping on the scale, though. I knew I wouldn't like what I saw -- I feel uncomfortable in my skin, like it's stretched too taut, but... Sweet jesus. Yet another thing on my list to fix sooner rather than later.)
Did some thinking this morning on my walk back from getting my coffee. Thought about why I'm here in this city, and what has kept me here for almost 11 years. School (one that I hated), boyfriends (ranging from crappy to not so good for me to lovely but unavailable and ultimately hurtful), jobs (all soul-sucking), fear of change, and self-doubt so ingrained I couldn't imagine starting over anywhere else on my own. I thought about what's keeping me here right now. I have friends I love, of course, and family. Not small things, but friends and family don't stop loving you (and vice versa) just because you're not around all the time. I've felt beholden to this place, trussed up by it. But I don't love it. I never chose it; I just fell into it, like so many other things in my life.
I need to make a choice. I think I'm 90% there. I'll need a little help on that other 10% and beyond, and I'm a little terrified, but I have to do it. I have to choose something for myself.
Posted by thevieve at June 4, 2006 11:53 AMI'm not eager to see you leave, but I second that shove.
Posted by: Bookdwarf on June 6, 2006 1:37 PM