By 9:30 tonight, I was so tired, I was cross-eyed. Now I can't sleep. Thinking thinking thinking. About money and moving and friends who need hugs and healing. Wondering how I'm going to to take care of the big stuff in my life when I can't even muster the energy to vacuum my bedroom floor. About giving and not receiving and where the lines and limits are drawn (and how to construct boundaries, when necessary, that are solid with resolve and sealed tight against empathy and the natural instinct to love and help endlessly).
Thinking about where we'll go tomorrow night for my sister's engagement dinner (EVOO, pretty please?). About how I watched my most favorite Wonder Woman episode tonight ("The Pied Piper", starring Martin Mull as a flute-playing, svengali-like pop star, and Eve Plumb as the pretty, hypnotized ingenue), hoping it would cheer me up, which it sort of did, but how I also spent a lot of time wishing I had someone watching with me who could appreciate its awesome awfulness.
Thinking about going to the gym tomorrow and whether it will suck, after my 10-day break. About how I really need to just pick a yoga class and go already. About bills I have to pay. About work and how I'm going to manage to drag my ass there every day. About the chocolate bar I ate a few hours ago and if that's what's making my tummy upset.
About why it feels like all of my energy and optimism and enthusiasm dissipated as soon as we began our final descent into JFK. (And whether that's really the case, or if it's just some convenient construct I've fashioned, to do what exactly, I'm not sure.) About the panic that's always lurking, ready to pounce.
I'm so tired.
Posted by thevieve at June 3, 2006 2:44 AM