I just reread a blog post that someone sent me the link to exactly a month ago. I was feeling sad that day when she sent it. Looking back on past bullshit and regrets, and I think my intuitive antennae were quivering quite a bit, knowing that some bad times were coming. Preparing for what was ahead by looking back.
I didn't really absorb it at the time, and I think I still haven't, this idea of letting go. Surrender. Feeling the fullness of feeling, even when current feelings are the exact opposite of what you want in your life (at this moment, or ever). It feels self-indulgent, self-pitying. I feel like, instead, I need to keep busy, count my blessings, try to focus on the positive. I feel like if I surrender, the feelings will take over and I'll drown in them. Isn't surrender the same thing as giving up? Accepting that life sucks and always will and there's fuck-all you can do about it?
But I think it's different (subtly) from giving up. It's accepting things as they are now. And the now sucks. But it won't always suck. I guess it's a matter of accepting and being OK with (or at least resigned to) the now, but not losing hope for a better something, somehow, down the road. That by feeling what I feel, doing what I do, being who I am, I'll eventually get somewhere good. And trying to be flexible about what that place looks like. I can't control the outcome, and I need to be open to different flavors and faces of "good."
This is a little jumbled, and I still don't quite get how to do this. But I'm trying.
Posted by thevieve at May 12, 2006 11:44 AM