I'm exhausted. Another 5-hour night. I just can't seem to sleep long enough. Something jerks me awake too early, and my mind won't let me drift off again. So I get up, dazed, and try to find some coffee too early on a Sunday morning.
It's been a rough week. The no sleep, the too much time alone, brooding. The self-doubt that keeps multiplying, creeping like mold. The fears and hard truths I can't shoo away.
I've shown a side that I try so hard to conceal. I'm embarassed. Don't want to show that crazy, obsessive, self-hating (I could go on) part of me. It's not the image I want to project (or what I want to feel inside). But it leaks out when I can't contain it anymore. It finds its target, locks on, fires. Messy.
It hurts. I strike out. I'm jealous, not just of cute pets I can't have, but also of experience. A reserve of evidence I can fall back on. Certainty. Coolness. Not-needing. I'm desperate to not-need, but I'm pretty certain I won't be able to let go successfully until something else comes along to fill the vacuum. Sad. And unlikely to happen anytime soon.
I need some patience. Some companionship. Distraction. Reassurance. Understanding. Hope. I wish I could give these things to myself. The well's pretty dry, though.
Posted by thevieve at May 7, 2006 7:58 AM