The One... The Only... The Vieve

Ladies' night

Last night I got a really lovely massage. (Made even lovelier by the fact that I didn't have to pay for it, though I would have.) I really needed someone to soothe my body in that way, to give it some attention. To help me relax a bit. Help take me out of my head. Of course, some tears came anyway, but I tried to keep them in check. They came from an image of the last night I saw you, and the feelings from that night. Meeting an old friend of yours, and feeling like we all connected. You took my hand under the table once or twice. And when we walked home, and you had your arm around my waist and held me close. Wouldn't let me go. Even when we had to part for some sidewalk obstacle, you pulled me back again. And I thought everything was all right. Everything was all right in that moment. And I thought about that and wondered what happened, and why you couldn't just be present in that moment, and all the moments. Preoccupation with moments reaching into the past and the future stole them, I think. But I don't know.

So I had been thinking of that, and I was feeling pretty sad. Plans were made for all of us (the four massaged ladies and the almost-done-with-school massage-student massager) to go out to dinner. I hung back, not sure what to do. Everyone else had known each other for a while, and I wasn't feeling social or talkative. I tentatively decided to decline politely, head home, drink a beer, get into bed. But somehow outside on the sidewalk, after helping to stow her table and other gear in the car, I got swept along in the conversation and the cooing over neighborhood dogs and cats, and ended up walking toward Central Square. And I did have dinner, and I had a lot of fun. I don't remember the last time I had dinner, or hung out at all really, with all women. (I've always had a lot of male friends. I think because I see men as less complicated to deal with in some ways. Less intimidating, maybe? If I don't know what to say to a man I'm getting to know, I can always fall back on a little flirting? Something like that. I'm not quite sure about this. Something to think about.)

And it felt really good, to feel like I was making some new friends. New women friends, which I'm realizing are important. It didn't push away the earlier feelings of confusion and sadness and wistfulness, but it helped ease them a bit. I felt good, for a little bit. What else can you do.