I was in bed at 7 last night, with a bag of potato chips laid across my chest, watching the first season of Scrubs. (Thanks, Colleen, for loaning it to me--I think it was just what I needed. Goofy fun.) I had two separate invitations to go out, which I appreciated, but I think it was time to stay in and get used to the down time. I've been keeping myself so busy the past week or so, going out every night, distracting myself. It's not always going to be that way. Sometimes I won't have anything to do but sit around and watch DVDs by myself. So I need to be OK with that. Plus, I just felt grumpy and mopey and depressed, and I didn't want to go anywhere.
I fell asleep with the DVD on, woke up around 10. Got some juice, watched more, fell asleep. Woke up at midnight, rinse, repeat. Woke up at 3am, decided to go to sleep for real. I slept fitfully, lightly. I dreamed about the people who made me the most crazy last year. I flung a forkful of potato at one of them. I commented on the other one's big ass. I woke up at 6am and thought, I'm right back to where I was a year ago.
I can't stay on this fucking merry go round.
But it's hard to take that leap. So many practical hurdles get in the way--job, health insurance, packing, moving. I feel exhausted thinking about it before I even really start thinking about it.
I have a friend who moved to Vietnam last year, to teach English and travel around and, really, to get away from here. To get unstuck. (Hi, Em. I miss you lots. Particularly right now.) And I am so proud of her, and so in awe of her. She did it, and she is having a terrific adventure. And I wish I could do it too. Just make that leap. I feel like I need somone to help me, but I don't know how or who. And the anxiety is really really loud sometimes. It drowns out the other voices. Stupid bully.
But I can't stay stuck. I'll have to work it out somehow.
Posted by thevieve at April 29, 2006 6:32 AM