I suppose I'm lucky I even have my own office, but I wish I had a real door instead of a sliding glass one. I can't have a good cry without feeling all jumpy that someone's going to walk by and see me. (Though, now that I think about it, so what if they do?)
And I think it's a bad sign that I just listened to that Gary Jules song (you know, THAT song, the Donnie Darko one) three times in a row.
Gah. I feel like I should apologize to people reading this, even though this space is, first and foremost, for me. I feel like I'm being much too public with all this stuff. I've always done the opposite, and hid my sadness and bad feelings, but I know that's not good for me. And I feel like I'm grieving too much, and making a pathetic ass of myself. I really don't know. I'm new to all of this in certain ways, and in other ways it's old hat. I don't know whether I can evaluate this situation, and I don't know whether I'm handling things relatively well or not. But I guess no one can really tell me that. I have to decide that for myself. Meh.
For right now, I guess I'll finish my cry, and then I think I need to walk over to Hi-Rise and buy myself a Fern's Problem Solver (ha), my most favorite sandwich there (turkey and avocado and cheese and Russian dressing, grilled, on excellent semolina bread), and then take it to the park and eat it there while I watch the birds flit and cheep around in the cattails, and watch kids playing and enjoying the day, and maybe pet a puppy or two.
Posted by thevieve at April 20, 2006 11:34 AMI hate crying in front of people. Once, I broke down at work--it was so fucking embarassing. My boss comforted me. But I'm still embarassed about it, even 2 years later.
Posted by: Bookdwarf on April 20, 2006 1:45 PMIt is embarassing, I think for me because I don't want to make other people uncomfortable. Feigning stoicism is instinctual for me. But going to group therapy forces you to get a little more comfortable with it, I've found. :-)
Posted by: Vieve on April 20, 2006 3:01 PMWow, that's brave. I just don't like appearing weak in front of other people. I know crying doesn't make you weak, but it makes me feel weak I guess. I'm a bottler I guess---I hold it all inside. Probably why I had an ulcer.
Posted by: Bookdwarf on April 21, 2006 11:11 AMI'm a bottler too, usually. Which is probably why I had crippling panic attacks every day for about a year. It took me a while to really absorb it and believe it, but it's just not worth it. Feeling a little weak and foolish sometimes is better than feeling like you're about to drop dead every day.
Posted by: Vieve on April 21, 2006 11:36 AM