In one of my dreams last night, I was at a party and a bunch of people were shot by other party-goers. Not shot dead, but they still had bullets in them and so they all had to go to the Emergency Room. I was the only sober person there, and so it was up to me to round them all up in a big station wagon and drive them to the hospital. (Why we couldn't call an ambulance, I don't know, but...such are dreams.) Of course it wasn't as simple as it should be, and I couldn't find one of the people, and I was getting very frustrated and upset, as the sense of urgency (and bleeding flesh wounds) got more intense.
And then I woke up, and I was like, "What the fuck? Why was it my responsibility to make sure they got to the hospital? I didn't shoot them! Why do I have to clean up someone else's mess?"
And then I realized my dream was a pretty accurate reflection of what I deal with a lot, mostly at work but also in other situations. I can't stand the mess that I see and feel compelled to fix things, or I'm held to be ultimately responsible for the outcome of a project and have to find some way to make everything turn out OK, even when I've been placed in an impossible situation by someone I have no authority over. It's maddening. It makes me feel like a doormat and a patsy, and makes me have dreams about sucking chest wounds. I've gotten a lot better at stepping away from problems that are not my doing (and that I can't really fix) in my personal life, but with work... Well, I really do like my health insurance. And I've really become fond of having food to eat and a roof over my head and suchlike.
Maybe I need to start buying Megabucks tickets. Or find a good pyramid scheme.
Posted by thevieve at March 1, 2006 11:28 AM