One of the things I've been thinking about lately is honest and forthright communication. I've never been the best communicator. I tend to clam up, even when something is really really bothering me. Though sometimes, with certain people, I just let it all gush out like a high-pressure fire hose, and then I worry that I've managed to alienate the few people I feel comfortable with. (Although I suspect that I'm more likely to alienate them with the worrying than the gushing.) I think I can do a better job at finding some kind of equilibrium.
So, I've been trying to be more open with my thoughts and feelings. If something's bothering me, I say something instead of stewing and letting it come out as some finely crafted piece of passive-aggressive assholery, or just swallowing that feeling and letting it eat at my guts until I make myself physically ill.
This is a new thing for me, and I'm starting to realize that it doesn't always work out the way I want it to. I want it to create dialogue and greater mutual understanding. But sometimes the things that have to be said are hurtful. Sometimes they're misinterpreted. Sometimes the reactions I get reveal things I'd rather not see (or maybe they're things I knew I would see, but am disappointed with all the same). And probably lots of other outcomes I've yet to experience or imagine or articulate.
But I'm realizing there's no other way. If I have to say something, I have to say it. If it's going round and round my head and making me feel queasy, it's important enough to get it out in the open. I'm going to step on some toes and fuck up royally, I'm sure, and I probably already have, and I kind of feel like a bull in a china shop, but I have to figure out how to do this sometime and I guess there's no time to start like the present.
Posted by thevieve at January 30, 2006 10:11 AMhave you had that moment when you want to put everything on the table, but when you're in the middle of it you look across the table and you suddenly realize that you're on a runaway train gaining speed at an exponential rate and the suspension bridge ahead of you is under construction? yeah.
Posted by: 'nette on January 30, 2006 2:02 PMThat moment when your brain kind of stops working but your mouth keeps moving and a huge neon sign flashing "OH...FUCK...NO" is glowing bright as day on the horizon, and you're like, "Oh thanks a lot neon sign, where were you, like, 10 MINUTES AGO?" and then all you want to do is throw up all over the table? Sigh. Yeah.
Posted by: Vieve on January 30, 2006 2:21 PMOh, baby, do I ever. These are the moments that catch me, weeks expost factum, as I'm scrubbing my hair in the shower or pouring coffee or lying in bed, and I physically cringe from the memory. Kinda shiver. Kinda want to rig something up to punch myself in the solar plexus. Kinda want to invest in a ball gag to prevent future incidents. Oogh.
Posted by: 'nette on January 30, 2006 4:56 PM