These feelings aren't strangers to me. I know them through and through and backwards and forwards. I fight them, half-heartedly. Distressing and confusing, but comforting in their own devilish way. The devil you know.
They aren't dark, though, like they sometimes are. Heady, bright, electrified, like lightning streaking across a hot summer sky. But unsettling. Pulling me this way and that. Jittery and agitating, skittering along the top of my overheated head.
So many things to say, and learn, and experience. So many opportunities to either get it right or fuck it up. And I'm impatient, nervous. I know myself well, I know what I do, I know how I can wreck good things. And I wonder if all the resolve and best intentions in the world are enough. I don't trust myself, not yet.
It's like that recurring dream I have, where I'm driving and about to crash, and I step on the brakes but nothing happens. I try as hard as I can to avoid the crumpled metal and broken bones, but I fail, again and again and again.
Maybe the thing to do is stop worrying about how I might fail and sit back and enjoy the ride. No, I know that's the thing to do. I'm not very good at it yet, maybe this is an opportunity for practice. Maybe I will succeed. Maybe I will learn to let go. And maybe those "good things" I wrecked before weren't so good to begin with. Maybe. Maybe. So many maybes.
Posted by thevieve at January 25, 2006 11:26 AM