I have a hard time telling people how I feel. I guess that's not uncommon. A lot of people aren't very comfortable with their emotions, particularly negative ones. They can be scary and unpleasant, and communicating them can make you so vulnerable. I don't like feeling vulnerable. People might not see it, but I'm soft and squishy, like an overripe pear, and I need armor to keep my thin skin intact, to keep my guts from spilling all over the floor.
Lately I've been feeling kind of angry. At people, at circumstances...at everything and everyone, to be completely honest. And I feel like I shouldn't be angry, because nice people aren't angry, particularly when it's about something fairly petty. I mean, genocide, OK, that's something to be angry about. Not returning my phone calls? Eh, I probably shouldn't be angry about that. Annoyed, maybe, but not angry. But I am, and that's that, and I need to figure out what to do with that feeling.
But that's a problem. Because bad, scary things happen when you express anger. One of my earliest memories is of sitting in the blow-up pool in the yard one summer (I was 3? 4?) while my father was working on the house. I guess the nail he was hammering wasn't complying, because he started swearing and yelling (my father was famous for his violent acts toward inanimate objects, particlarly the toaster oven, which ended up in the trash one day after he smashed it beyond repair). Then he reached the hammer back to give the nail a mighty whack, and instead of hitting the nail, the claw part of the hammer caught the back of his head, and all of a sudden he was yelling about the gaping gash in his scalp instead of the stupid fucking nail.
Lesson learned? When you get angry, you end up in the emergency room with 10 stitches and half your hair shaved off, and you're bloody well lucky you didn't fall off the ladder and smash your skull in.
I mean, I don't literally think that--I'm not a simpleton--but a gut reaction related to that memory (and probably lots of other, less dramatic experiences) is still there, and it's hard to overcome. Better to keep things contained and just swallow it. Because if you tell someone, "Hey, I'm really pissed off you did X, Y, and Z" or "Hey, you know, I really like you and I'd like to see you more often, and I'm feeling pretty lonely and ignored," you open yourself up to...I don't even know what. Something unpredictable. Something potentially bad. Ridicule. Embarassment. Rejection. Arguments that spiral out of control. Shame. Castigation. And why invite that? Why risk it?
Well, I know I need to risk it. Because pressure cookers need to release that pressure or they explode, and that's a whole lot messier than any number of stupid stitches in your head.
Posted by thevieve at December 13, 2005 10:28 AMIt's often necessary to gut check some monkey who is actin' a daggone fool without explanation. I'm all for clueing them in on what you feel, V. If you don't, that feeling could hurt you on some other format -- like the way feelings can lead to negative physical manifestations. My #1 favorite is when being down leads to the exact same symptoms as food poisoning, but ends up being alot worse. Big league. Get them feelings out, girl and save yourself downtime.
Posted by: Clarence on December 13, 2005 5:01 PM