I've recently lost some weight. I didn't really need to--I wasn't overweight, really--but I like being a bit smaller, sleeker. Of course, whenever I lose weight, it's usually because of stress and upheaval, not from being careful about what I eat. Same thing when I gain it. It just happens, and I'm usually too preoccupied with more important things to realize what's going on.
About 5 years ago, I dropped 20 or so pounds in less than 6 months. I had left my not-very-nice boyfriend, my social life had picked up, I was meeting all kinds of new people, doing new things, making new friends. My life felt crazy and exciting and full of possibilities, and I kept forgetting to eat lunch. I knew my clothes didn't fit anymore, but I didn't see myself as any thinner. Of course I knew I was, but I still had the old image of myself in my mind's eye. It's stubborn, that self-image: I had always thought of myself as a "big girl," definitely curvy, but also kind of chunky and bulbous. Blubbery.
And then I remember going into a store and trying on some jeans. I was in my little changing room stall, which didn't have a mirror, and they were tight, those jeans. I could feel them clinging to my hips and thighs, parts of my body that I had never been happy with. I knew, knew knew knew that they would look awful on me, that I would look like a fat cow. I didn't want to leave my little cloistered space and venture out to the mirror, but I did anyway, because it was the middle of a weekday afternoon and no one else was around. I was literally shocked by what I saw in the mirror. I looked...good, and it was like seeing myself for the first time.
It was a revelation to me, realizing that how I saw myself in my internal mirror was so distorted. We cling to what's known, even when all evidence is pointing us in another direction. It takes time to adjust to a new reality, whether it's what we look like physically or how we feel about someone or the fact that someone's gone forever. We cling to patterns of thought, to what we've known as true for so long, and it takes time for our minds and emotions to catch up and reconcile that cognitive dissonance. It's crazy-making, but I guess that's life.
Posted by thevieve at September 19, 2005 9:51 AM"We cling to what's known.." That hustle is true on so many levels, Vieve. Reflections internal on an ocular calisthenics type format should always reflect what we know to be TRUTH, now, and never what we're used to from the past. When I saw you, the proof _is_ TheVieve.
Posted by: Clarence on September 19, 2005 3:43 PM